


Point of No Return

by PhoenixStar73



Series: MALEC 1 on 1 [6]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Depression, Episode: s02e04 Day of Wrath, Episode: s02e08 Love is a Devil, Gen, Iris Rouse sucks, Last Thoughts, POV Alec Lightwood, Regret, Sad Alec Lightwood, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Suicidal Ideation, breaking hearts, references Jocelyn's death, thank god for magnus, worst scene of the episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-28
Updated: 2019-09-28
Packaged: 2020-10-29 16:00:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20799254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhoenixStar73/pseuds/PhoenixStar73
Summary: Alec's internalized thoughts while standing on the rooftop during Max's Rune Ceremony...well, we all know what happened next. Nothing changes here in the story thus far.Season 2 episode 8 Love Is the Devil





	Point of No Return

**Author's Note:**

  * For [memoriesofrain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/memoriesofrain/gifts), [Bengi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bengi/gifts).

_…Murderer…murderer…murderer…_

It kept reverberating in his head…echoing into his soul. 

Clary was right. This was something that he could not make right. He could not, never, ever take it back.

“Alec, please step off that ledge. And please don't keep saying that. No one wishes you were dead,” a faint tearful voice which sounded like Clary’s said. It sounded so far away. His mind was probably just playing tricks on him. There was no way Clary would say things like that to him, to care about him, especially after all the times he's put her down, insulted her to her face. And then the unthinkable...

He looked behind his shoulder at the street below. The cars driving back and forth along the streets. They looked so small, from up here. The headlights all melded into a big blur as his head started spinning, his vision blurring. The hustle and bustle, regular people going about their day. Normal, not a care in the world. He used to be among them.

_Now he could never go back. The point of no return._

His mind and heart could not take it anymore. This heartache, the guilt. The demon had possessed him, he had killed Jocelyn, and then the demon had left, taking his innocence with it. He would never be who he was, again.

As if it was beyond his control, he felt his foot step backward from the ledge, his tall frame automatically arching back. And there was no anchor. 

He thought he heard someone screaming. But his ears heard nothing but muffled sounds and sound of the wind racing past his ears.

He was falling. 

Falling. 

Falling fast.

The g-forces on his body were increasing, and becoming uncomfortable, even with the amount of pressure that a Nephilim’s body could withstand. He couldn’t keep his eyes open against the pressure, and they flew shut. Thoughts ran through his head, a million thoughts per minute. The last thoughts he would ever have, all jumbled up as he started to hyperventilate…

_Clary please forgive me for killing your mother I am so weak how did a demon possess me I am no good never had been no matter how much I tried it did not work everyone would be better off without me no one would care if im gone I have never been first in anyones mind only second the one that wasn’t good enough_

But no…

That was not true, wasn’t it. 

He was first…_in Magnus’s heart_.

The only one to have ever acknowledged him, and to be seen as *first*---

_Magnus. _

But it was too late now, wasn’t it. Ah well, figures that he would not figure it out until it was too late. Stupid stupid Alec. But then again, what was *he* to Magnus, really? Just a lowly mortal, when Magnus would endure yet centuries more…he would be like nothing -- over, like a blink of an eye, within the vast kaleidoscope that defined Magnus’s immortal life…yea, it probably wouldn’t even matter. _He_ didn’t matter…

He braced himself for the point of impact, even as he had an afterthought that nothing could *ever* make him ready for this. To face his sorry end…

WHOOSH!!~

Suddenly...he was no longer falling.

…did he hit the ground?

…did he die of a heart attack on the way down?

…is this what Heaven felt like?

He opened his eyes. Bathed in a blue light, it felt like a warm embrace enveloping his entire body. He felt so safe. And then he was being levitated, up, up, up, back up. Over the rooftop ledge where two ultra-bright yellow eyes of fire stared straight ahead. At him. The owner of those eyes looking determined, yet also looked like he was about to cry.

Magnus.

_Oh, Magnus…_

_Oh my god, I’m saved. You saved me._

Negative thoughts started up instantly. The monster inside his head.

_Uh, why did he do that?_ his mind thought, as he started feeling woozy of all a sudden, his eyelids getting heavy.

_Why did you save me, I deserved that. I deserved to go. I’m a killer. _

_Killers deserve to die._

The weight of the guilt from his actions and his self hatred was mixing with his relief at being saved. It was all too much right now. He felt like his head was going to implode, if not for the sweetness of slumber that was threatening to overtake him.

_Magnus. Mag--_

He sighed as he succumbed to the sleepiness overcoming in, slowly slipping into unconsciousness. His brain finally quieted and at peace. He did not feel himself being lowered softly to the ground, still wrapped in that blue light, wrapped in a protective embrace of love. 

Across the other side of the rooftop, his family and loved ones just stared in horror, tears in their eyes. Exhausted, the warlock staggered, bereft of his normal grace, his eyes flashing between brown glamour and his natural yellow eyes, unable to control himself. He stumbled and fell backwards, choking. Caught by two lean arms. He looked up. Izzy looked down at him, feeling him tremble violently. She could barely keep the tears from spilling from her own eyes.

He burst into tears, his sobs resounding into the night.

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed this fic, please consider reading the second (canon-divergent) part of this series, it is a 2 parter, it is completely original  
[ Broken Like Me ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20876585?view_full_work=true)
> 
> which deals with how Alec and the gang deals with the outcome/fallout from all of this. You won't regret it! Again, thanks for stopping by! Hope to see you again at some point :)


End file.
